Ask Allie – Social Media Strife? Calm the Monkey!

by Sarah Rutledge Fischer

——–

Dear Allie,

Ever since the election, I’ve been struggling with social media. There are so many people I just can’t handle any more. It got a little better over the holidays, but with inauguration day approaching, it is about to get worse again.

I want to delete everyone and start fresh, but for work and family reasons, that’s not realistic. What should I do? How do I decide who should stay and who should go?

Sincerely,

Anti-Social on Social Media

 

Dear Anti-Social,

Can I “like” this letter? I know just how you feel. Social media has become pervasive, and while it has amazing powers for good, it isn’t necessarily making us happier. Even in periods of relative cultural harmony, too much time on social media is linked to short term memory problems, increased anxiety, and depression. And this period is far from harmonious. Let me see if I can help.

In meditation, there is a concept known as monkey mind. Monkey mind is the chattering stream of thought that constantly bombards you with thoughts, ideas, emotions, and worries. The practitioner of meditation learns to calm the monkey mind, not by ignoring it or disciplining it, but by giving it a task—pay attention to breath. Each time the mind begins to chatter, the meditator gently brings the mind back to the breath. And so, breath by breath, the mind is calmed.

Why am I lecturing you on meditation? I think social media is a kind of collective external monkey mind. We turn to it for information and connection but end up scrolling past post after post, liking and reacting, and come away feeling bombarded and out of control. So how can we give this media monkey mind a job? What is the social media version of breath?

Consider abandoning the “like.”  A couple of years ago, a woman named Elan Morgan experimented by no longer “liking” things on Facebook. After a couple of weeks, she reported a marked change in her Facebook interactions. Without the crutch of clicking “like,” she had to choose whether to comment fully on a post or just pass it by. Her use became less passive and more conversational. Her page displayed less clickbait and more personal content. Her feed became less like the chaotic, reactionary monkey mind and more like the in and out of conversation and breath.

External limits on social media usage can further decrease its influence one your mental state. Avoid social media for two hours after you wake each morning and again for one hour before you go to bed. If you access your media through a phone, turn off notifications. If you are on a computer, don’t leave social media sites open in the background.

Now as for deleting people, in simple cases you can ask, “If we were not already connected online, and knew everything I currently know, would I choose to connect with this person?” If the answer is no, delete.

There are times we need to stay connected to someone for practical reasons but find their personal posts distressing. On Facebook at least, this is where you can use those mystical algorithms to your favor. For a week or two, try actively commenting on those posts you do need to see, while using the “Hide post” and “See fewer posts like this” option on the posts you don’t want to see.

But many cases are more complicated than that. Often the people filling our feeds with hatred or drama are long term friends or family members. Most platforms offer the ability to hide a person without deleting them. On some platforms you can also hide some or all of your posts from them. You may not want to deal with the fallout of unfriending a toxic family member, but that doesn’t mean you must continue reading their posts. If hiding one or two people isn’t enough, hide everyone on your list, then add them back one by one until you find a balance you can live with.

If that isn’t enough, consider taking a social media vacation. You just may discover you like the view.

That should get you started.

Your friend,

Allie

To submit your own question, email Allie at editor@focusmidsouth.com.