Ask Allie: Am I Still Bisexual if I’m Married to a Man?

Dear Allie,

I am a 34-year-old woman in a happy hetero marriage who has only ever dated men. After going to therapy to heal some traumas and discover myself, I have come to recognize that I am bisexual. It is something that I sensed off and on but filed away as an impossibility. I love my husband and our life that we’ve built over the years. He is very supportive of me. I don’t think I want to pursue any kind of open relationship although we have discussed it. However, I feel like a fraud. Am I still bisexual if I’ve never even kiss a woman?


Am I A Fraud?

Dear AIAF,

I am so happy that you are exploring more deeply who you are as a human. It’s hard work sometimes to know yourself! First, I want to assure you that you are very valid, even if you never physically explore same sex attraction with another human. You aren’t a queer imposter! I also applaud you for having the courage to reach out. I think part of the soul rending struggle when coming out later in life is recognizing our own validity. I’ve thought a lot about the word audacious lately. It takes a lot of audaciousness to own who we are, and to do the work required to fully embrace it. It sounds like you have a great start on that since you have been in therapy. With that in mind, I can offer you some concepts that can start you on your journey of acceptance. Have you heard of compulsory heterosexuality? This is what many late comers to their queer identities have discovered caused the disconnect between who they are truly and who they sculpted themselves to be.

Many of us have grown up with compulsory heterosexuality (comphet), which may be more accurately described as internalized heteronormativity. We learned growing up that the only way to happiness and a picket fenced yard looked like one man and one woman. If we felt attraction or interest in a human of similar gender to us we were told that was just how best friends are with each other. That we were to cultivate relationships with the opposite gender and if there weren’t sparks that was okay because its normal not to have a wild sex life in marriage. But that isn’t the reality of the human experience. Not when it is removed from the lens of our cultural norms. When humans are free to be human and explore their individual desires and needs the outcomes become a rainbow of possibilities. And this is where I believe you can find some peace within yourself.

You are bisexual. Even if you never flirt with a woman. Even if you never kiss a woman. Even if you never talk to another woman. You are bisexual because you recognized within yourself the desire and attraction which is a mind and body function that can’t be faked. This is something many bisexuals question themselves about. It can help to meet some of them and converse about experiences.

Finding a community is important, virtually, at a local club, gay places of business like certain coffee shops. Look for local Pride events close to you. You could explore your curiosity by reading WLW romance novels and watching movies. Becoming part of a local or online community is so helpful and aids the sense of belonging. I know many humans have delved into their attractions and curiosities on TikTok through the pandemic. It is where I have been able to hear and interact with more LGBTQ+ people than I have ever known. People are putting themselves out there and talking about their own journeys and emotions and solutions. It is a virtual community. You just have to get settled into the right algorithm.

Remember that identifying yourself as bisexual is to claim yourself as bisexual. Nothing else is required. What is required is that you are loving yourself and being true to yourself and that you are being your own best friend and advocate. Say it! I am bisexual! I am bisexual! Go outside and scream it to the universe, buy a cake and blow out candles, and then maybe purchase some rainbow gear.

Whatever you decide, be audacious about YOU!

Your friend,


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