Meet Chiquita Laquita Bonita: The Longest Neck

story by Moth Moth Moth | illustrations by Fergus Harmon

Fergus and Angel are the doting fathers of Chiquita Laquita Bonita, a young chihuahua who has become an elusive, yet beloved figure, among the small circles of dazzling friends that I, your writer, keep.

I, the writer, don’t super flip for dogs. I think my heart died with a beautiful golden retriever, and cats have been my refuge ever since.

But Chiquita is different. She has my number. She has everyone’s number.

At first glance, full-grown, she is strikingly lithe and muscular. The product of many walks and many circles at the door. Her eyes, though never quite forward-facing are intelligent and tuned into the conversation. She never fails to play an active part in conversations.

When we first met, I was disgusted by her. This squirrel carcass of a dog that my friends were now glued to. But in time, as she grew and learned the barest modicum of bladder control my heart was won. If only by the grace of her impossibly long neck. Giving her a cartoonish yet dignified posture.

What is the story though? Where does it all begin?

Fergus and Angel take a holiday in California. In Tennessee, chihuahuas are very expensive and in small numbers. California has rat dogs raining from the sky.

DISCLAIMER: the method by which Chiquita was procured is not the suggestible way. While on a trip they found a supplier via Craigslist, where all the best quality chihuahuas are to be certain.

Within hours our boys stood in the middle of the street looking into a Pampers box of three little girl chihuahuas. People rushing and freaking out because tiny dogs and humans have zero decorum. The choice was made and a few hundred dollars later Chiquita had secured herself the lottery. Childless gays.

Before taking her on a plane, there was a visit to a local vet, and trust me, that vet chastised them enough for not doing their research. But at the end of the day, the little dog was healthy and travel-ready (though had she had been too young, her eardrums would have exploded so there is that). Good call boys.

In sunny Tennessee, Chiquita has found her subtle fame, a picture here, and appearance there, but her daily modes of operation seem to be focused on relaxing and being utterly obsessed with her humans.

The Emotional Being

Once we all went on a vacation where I terrorized everyone horrifically. Chiquita was able to quell my monstrous anxiety diva state sometimes. And so my fondness was freed for her after deep and antagonistic resistance to her attempts at a friendship.

On this vacation, my friends went cliff jumping into a lake. I stayed with the dog and the purses because forget that. Watching Chiquita watch her dads plunge over an edge only to come back was unique. As though she was watching all her riches plunge into nothing. But after a few repetitions, she caught on and took a nap.

Lightning Round: Likes and Dislikes

Likes: McDonald’s French fries, and knows where they come from. Also, sleeping till noon.

Dislikes: Children. And adults who are short or childlike because it confuses her. Also, water.

“When we are in the car getting McDonald’s she knows the difference and freaks out.”

“She’s really smart. I always assumed that she would be dumb as a nail since her head is so small. How do you fit any brains at all? But she’s just a smart dog.” -Fergus

Keeping the Diva Together:

“Chihuahuas are genetically engineered time bombs” -Mothie the Writer

Chiquita’s fathers are in it for the long haul.

“What’s important is we keep her healthy and her teeth healthy. They live longer than they are supposed too so their teeth fall out a lot.”

We want Chiquita’s smile to be completely photo-finish-ready.

The long and short of the matter:

Funny-looking dogs are the favorite starlets of social media today. Usually, ones with merely one feature that seems exaggerated will suffice. But between Chiquita’s chameleon eyes, underbite, and famously long neck she could be a triple threat.

Not that it matters though. She lives a happy and chill life. These boys are willing to take out loans to make sure she keeps ticking.

I find her a threat to my own social media empire and seek to offer her neither clout nor an overabundance of praise.

But what I will say is Chiquita Laquita Bonita is an arresting form. And emotional conduit. And an unforgettable face.

Though her owners wish she had been obtained in a slightly less shady manner, it’s hard to imagine a reality where this little family was not together.

“She has enriched my life more than I could have ever hoped for. I didn’t even like dogs before I met her.” -Fergus

“She knows how to make us feel and respond. Goes to each of us for different things. Sometimes a master manipulator.” -Angel

Three soul mates, in absolution.